If This Was My Last Saturday Evening Post
Recently I have attended a number of funerals which seems to be a regular occurrence in these last few years.
When I attended my beloved brother Andrew’s funeral in June of this year, my mortality became a matter I hadn’t given much thought to.
Hence the question, what would I say IF THIS WAS MY LAST SATURDAY EVENING POST?
As an old man I’m not being cranky when I say “I care not for what people may think but I do care about my family and that of the future”.
If you will allow me a bit of self indulgence, I would like to share with you some personal experiances that helped shape my life to be a better person and less judgemental.
I do not wish to be melodramatic but with the inevitable progression of ageing, I’ll be 85 in a short while, my cognitive ability is still intact.
So I want to say to you the ones who are reading this & the ones I love most, my family, that I believe there is a way to end well.
Life has been good to me, in fact it has been an incredible adventure!
But lest you think I have been privileged let me set the record straight!
I know what it means to face intimidation, fear & insecurity when ministering in a foreign land!
Threatened by a demon possessed man who tried to kill me when I was out preaching the Gospel in a village doing God’s work!
I called out in desperation, “In the name of Jesus” and he fell at my feet squirming like a snake with his mouth filled with dirt.
I asked him why? Someone inside of me said to kill you!
Or the emptiness and enormous grief I felt with the death of my baby son, while serving God as a Missionary in Papua New Guinea.
I called out to God in prayer, yet this time I couldn’t find Him!
Yet I dared to hold on in faith.
Surely He would grant me my request, as if I was somehow entitled to it, but it was not to be.
I remember holding his tiny body on my lap, which was wrapped in a hospital issued towel and crying out to God in bewilderment and despair.
“Why God Why?”……. “Why God, didn’t you heal John-Paul & raise him up?”
People from all over my known world, and the New Guinea church prayed for his healing, survival and a miracle.
Seven days he struggled to live but it was not meant to be.
I drove his tiny lifeless body, which was lying on my lap, back to the Mission Station at Wewak in my old Jeep.
I was sobbing in grief on that dreadful August day in 1974.
I felt the trauma of what must have been shock and grief or was it ANGER?
Even now, as I write this post nearly 50 years later, tears well up when I think about it.
Then God the Holy Spirit spoke to me in a still small voice, “TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM.”
Privileged, who me? … Come on!
What about the unbelievable sadness that consumed me when the evil spirit of divorce entered the inner sanctum of my family members …. and I was a Pastor?
Oh I know we Pastors don’t like talking about these things because of the shame!
Blindsided by the enemy, who crept in like a predator and seduced the people I loved most, who shared our families values.
As a father I saw the shattered emptiness and brokenness that my children felt by the betrayal, let alone the grandchildren who felt absolutely bewildered and confused!
‘How could this happen in a christian home’ I thought, let alone a pastor’s home?
I also felt the disdain of a senior Church Leader who didn’t like the Evans’ for some reason and foolishly expressed the notion that the ‘Evans family would soon be gone‘.
I was dumfounded and then some legalistic members of the church used the word “disqualified” which seemed to confirm it! ‘Was that a curse?’ I thought!
Well, my beloved brother Andrew died this year and my son has resigned his credential after giving his life in AOG/ACC ministry.
Pain, talk about soul pain and from unexpected sources too!
No I’m not trying to stir the pot, just empathising with the hurt & rejection other pastors have felt, who have been ostracised from fellowship after having given their lives in service!
The silence of ministry colleagues and their wives I might add, whom I served alongside for years and their inability to show compassion was a surprising hit in the stomach, which I didn’t expect!
My appeal to Executive leaders in the church is, don’t shoot your wounded but try and find a way to put yourself in their shoe and restore them.
‘Profound Disappointment’ is perhaps the only way I can describe my subliminal pain emanating from a Church leader and I best leave it there!
I tell you all this to let you know, that these experiences can afflict anyone of us, at any time in our christian walk and Pastors are no exception!
The good news is that God gives us His grace but with that grace comes a responsibility.
No I am not privileged, just living in His grace and the forgiveness of my sins.
For the record, I’m more compassionate now to those who go through the trauma of Divorce!
I’m more compassionate now to those who experience the pain of Abortion!
I understand the feelings of emptiness in ‘Ministry Burn-out’!
I am eternally grateful to the missionary who reached out to me in my dark night of the soul and helped restore my mental health through dialogue and friendship over 20 years ago.
He was like an Angel to me and prefers to remain anonymous.
I can empathise now with those who feel abused or bullied by church leaders.
Don’t shoot them restore them is the key phrase!
They are not you’re competition, they are on the same team!
My mother used to say to me when I became weighed down with disappointments, “Keep sweet Freddie. It will pass.”
So here I am an old man, who is a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ, just trying to “keep sweet”!
May I suggest to you to give over your disappointment to Jesus and dwell on those things that bring you peace.
The Bible say: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
Here is a song I put together for you today on video, which we used to sing many years ago.
When I sing it it helps me to surrender my thoughts to Jesus and hand over my hurts & disappointments.
It helps me put into perspective all that occurs on life’s journey and realise that He is our only hope of peace.
So if you know it, turn up the volume to your liking and sing it!
With the sublime tones of yesteryear and the oscillating sound of the Hammond Organ, ask the Holy Spirit to Sweep over your Soul in prayer.
“What advise can you give” you ask?
- First of all I would say Make sure your heart is right with God.
- Secondly Live your life to glorify God.
- Don’t allow the insults or opinions of others determine your life’s outcome.
- Remember God is with you and wants you. ‘He’s got your back’ !
At the end of the day remember this :
God’s plans will always be greater and more beautiful than all your disappointments.
“For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth, and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.”
Isaiah 65:17 ESV